Uhg, I feel like such a tool.
I want to cry.
I mean, not about one particular thing, though I have my reasons, the desire to physically sob and shed tears is much more important than any one little grievance or another.
But I haven't been crying lately, not even a little bit, I get to the point where my eyes begin to water, and then I pull myself back. Often when my eyes fill with tears it makes me sneeze, and this is enough to break the moment for me.
I love crying, I figured this out when I was on mushrooms almost two years ago, it is such a physical rush and it's so cathartic, for almost two years I would just cry whenever I felt like it, I would throw big sobbing fits that would soak pillowcases and tear huge howling noises from me, and then I would pick myself up and blow my nose and be better.
I guess crying is kind of like orgasms that way.
Only orgasms don't feel selfish, I never had a rule against having orgasms. But for eight years of my life I did have a rule against crying. I thought it was babyish and stupid, selfish and useless, that it brought attention to me which I didn't need.
Maybe now crying, or not crying, is part of this teeter totter of personal development that I'm on.
I tried to take this year to heal myself, to pick myself back up when everyone who I had depended on for support was too busy for me, or had kicked me to the curb, or was actively trying to hurt me.
And I did pretty well, I found a center and an emotional stability which I have never experienced before in my life.
I also found these things through months and months of choosing indulgence, and selfishness. I put aside a lot of other things in my life in order to take care of myself. This has formed bad habits, bad patterns, more like.
Crying wasn't a part of this, but I can see how my psyche has chosen it to represent the larger problem "you have turned yourself into a selfish, spoiled child. Now that you have your feet back under you, it is time to grow up. Don't be a crybaby."

So, instead of crying, I am going to pick myself up, and try and get my things together, write a to do list, go down to the teashop for some sweet-potato fries. Keep on rollin'.
Catharsis and release will have to wait.

Remind me sometime to tell you.
About my most perfect life.
Ask me where I got the bruises painting up my canvas.
At which I gasped in surprise when my fingers found them later "Ow! Bruises are hurty!"

Remind me sometime to tell you. Of sleep VS Buffy.
Of how in a flash I would trade my friends for Joss Whedon characters.
But I don't have to.
We ARE Joss Whedon characters.
We upgraded our constellations, our stars.
And we climbed the wall and broke into our dorm building.
Ask me about it sometime.

Today I am chaos, let me in let me in. Today there is a sun burning inside me, I am scorched. Oh you can try and block me out but I'm blinding, oh you can try and bind me but you can't hold me back, you can only sit in the dark, you can't see without me, I'm the fire. I'm here and you can't look away I will undo your knots I will wreck your rubix cube I will laugh and howl, this is what we must do, let's bring fallen leaves from the trees and throw them on my bedroom floor, let's wrestle and roll in them, let's get them tangled in our hair.
The chaos is here in me, the world can ignore it, the world can hush it up, cover it with a dark cloth, but it's here, it's growling and thrashing with a mischievous glint in it's eye... it's going to pull me away, I can feel it getting a grip, sinking it's toes in.

I had a dream last night that I was walking across a long bridge in the rain, and abandoned in the middle of the bridge was a baby panda. Seeing this panda, wet and cold and shivering, it broke my heart. I opened up my jacket to carry it home in, and to my surprise the panda clambered in with small snuffly noises of relief. I zipped up my jacket around him to keep him warm, and took him back to my house where I just happened to have panda formula. I fed the panda from a bottle while cleaning him off with a warm washcloth. The panda was soft and snuggly and very well behaved, like a mix between a puppy and a very calm toddler. At one point in my dream, the ex came over to make all kinds of bullshit excuses for his behavior and try to get back in my good graces without actually changing, and he kept trying to get my undivided attention, Finally, I told him to fuck off because "I'm taking care of this here panda and it is nicer and more important"
The end, what an awesome dream.

Also... I WANT A PANDA NOW!!!

To pay the bills.
Have for sale, a camera, some nice boots, and credit at a vintage store, details and photos behind the cut.
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Mohinder had to go to the emergency pet hospital last night on death's doorstep.
They're still working on an official diagnosis, but they do know that he has severe anemia and a deadly lowered immune system.

He's stable now, but still requires more tests and will need even more treatment, his bill right now is more than a thousand dollars already. And we are as usual broke-ass-broke.

I know many of have met and loved this amazing sweetheart of a kitty, and I was wondering of you had something to the tune of ten dollars to donate to his care.
It would be amazing, you would be an absolute angel, and what's more, if enough people donate just a little bit of money, it would add up to a wonderful lift of a little of the weight on our shoulders.

So, what do you say?

Perhaps I can slip softly into this new skin, eh?